buhnahnuh

so im not really sure how to feel right now. my brother is going to have to be hospitalized. and it really worries me. for the past year he has been deteriorating and its really sad. and on top of his depression he became and alcoholic. its hard seeing your brother go through something like this. and he really cant be in our home environment anymore so after hes out of the hospital he is going to be living with my mom. and i know thats whats best for him even though he doesnt want to leave me alone here with our dad. but i just worry a lot. i dont want him to hurt himself. and i hope this will help him. its just a really hard time in our lives right now. and i dont know how this is going to affect my schooling. its gunna be hard to pay attention with this worry in the back of my mind everyday. i just want everything to be okay.

and also today i found out stuff about my dad from when him and my mom were married. its really messed up. he used to beat on her when she was pregnant with me. and the old church pastor got so mad at him when my mom told him. but when  they started going to church at the barn in san bernardino the pastor blamed my mom for my dad hurting her. finding this stuff out made me really sad. i had no idea this stuff went on. and though i never got physically abused by him the emotional abuse is obviously there. its no wonder my brother wants to get out of here. as do i but im stuck because i am not at a point in my life where i can support myself and my mom isnt able to support me going to college. but im glad at least one of us gets out of here. i can handle a lot more than my brother can. id rather take all the sh*t my dads gives so my brother can get himself better. one day itll be my turn to get out of here. but until then i just want my brother to get the help he needs.

okay well im done with my rant. this is just the only place i can go and open up without any of my family seeing what i write. and since only one person on here knows me in real life im fine with people on here reading this. even if no one does i just needed to open up and let things out.

i dont know why this keeps happening. this is the second time ive taken Soc... and the second time ive got a D in it. and its my major. i just feel really defeated and want to give up. i dont know whats wrong with me. i just feel like crap. i know all of the material and i get it... but i dont even knwo why i got a D this time. i hate myself. im going to be stuck at this stupid community college forever. and im never going to amount to anything. and right now i cant stop crying. i just really want to give up at this point... but i cant. i just need to get away from everything. i hate this

its almost over. im so happpy.

i need a break from all of it.

and i need to find a job.

and im pretty sure once i  have a steady job i wanna find a place to move to.

i cant stand being home anymore.

lets be roomies?

:]

yesterday was so much fun. i got there around 8am. waited in line for hours. chatted up with some people while i was waiting for molly. some mom got in a fight with some of the girls who cut. it was funny. then this girls dad was talking to me about the bands and stuff. he was really funny. and there was some mexican like farmers market across the street and it was really random.

then we finally got inside and me and molly went to the platform in the back because we didnt wanna die from all the crazies in the pit. it was a good view though and we had room to dance, which we needed.

so A Rocket To The Moon came on first. and they killed it. they were pretty amazing.

next was Hit The Lights. i had never listened to them before but they were pretty good.

thennnn it was 3OH!3 time! they were fabulous haha. i had sooo much fun dancing my butt off and singing along. they are so entertaining on stage. i was kinda sad i didnt get to meet them though. i was glad they played my fave song Starstrukk.

next was The Maine who also killed it. danced and sang along to them too. great energy. Pat's new drums were pretty effing sweet.

we didnt watch Family Force 5 cause we went out to go see the boys from The Maine and ARTTM. John wanted my LOTR necklace haha cause its pretty thug. and we talked about how we always look high in our pictures. and we asked Pat if he still has the banana thing i gave him and its in their van so yay! haha. we talked to Justin for a bit. hes totally cool and Molly made his day by bringing a Brighten cd for him to sign lol. i made him draw a stick figure on the ARTTM poster since hes not on it. then we talked to Halvo for a bit. got our pics with Nick. found Kenny, Garrett and Jared by the bus and got to hear Garretts story about walgreens brand nyquil lol.

overall it was a pretty fun night even though theres some ish talkers out there, but those immature betches can suck it :]

funfunfun.

was amazing.
i got sunburned though.
other than that i had fun.
when they were setting up the stage we were all saying how dangerous it looked... then joel and sean got on it and it broke.
that was pretty funny i hope someone got that on tape.
and nick's cover of taylor swift was awesome... i got a video but you can mostly hear the girls singing.
john being hungover was funnny.
it was scary when the first girl passed out though cause she was like right next to me.
she threw up on herself too and it was sad.
and then after i got to meet everyone.
the guys from runner runner are pretty funny.
and alex from this century took my sunglasses so he could wear them in our picture.
then me and my friends were talking to justin and telling him on AP he should play a brighten song lol.
it was pretty much a blast just chillen and stuff.
this needs to happen again.
but yeaa... i love socal because we get all these awesome shows!

so i went with a couple friends to the art walk tonight.
and the featured art was by Jeff Soto.
his stuff is so amazing






those are just a few of his amazing pieces of art.
check him out
http://www.jeffsoto.com/home.html

fer ills. so for my dad's insurance i need to be a full time student, which i am according to my school, but for his i need 16 units and i only have 13... and i have been trying to add another class but i cant get ahold of the teacher who i need a code from. and now my dad is threatening me saying if i dont get another class he isnt going to pay for me to be in school next semester. so then ill be out of school and i cant deal with that. i need to be in school. i have goals for myself and i cant afford to pay my own way. this just really sucks like wtf this isnt my fault that his insurance company is crazy... so hopefully i dont get sick or injured because as of yesterday i dont have health insurance... and im afraid he is going to kick me out if im not in school. and i really need to find a job. does anyone wanna hire me? 

about my brother.
first of all he drinks A LOT... and addiction runs in our family.
it scares me because i dont want him to become an alcoholic or get hurt because of it.
second... when i saw him yesterday he had scratches all over his arms and he said he has no clue how he got them and that kinda freaks me out... like idk if he did it to himself or someone else did it to him.
third he recently found out that he is bipolar... and that just adds to the worries now.
he doesnt know i have all these worries about him but i do.
he's my big bro and i just dont want him to end up hurt or dead or anything else.

im so sick of my dad and his emotional abuse.
he actually called me retarded today.
really... dont ever insult my intelligence.
he didnt even think it was a big deal.
it is to me.
i need to move out fer illls.
ugh.

yes i am still in total pain. i reallly hope i dont have what my dad did... because he almost died. :[
grrr my stupid heart has to be all hole-y and whatnot.
and i dont get to go back to the doctor til next week.
ew... and my medicine doesnt help.
it just makes me feel terrible and apparently it is bad for my liver.
wtffff?

lame.

is SO CONFUSING!!!!
wtf mannnn.
i wanna know what is happening.
hahaa it hurt my brain watching it.



ps. i wish Charlie was still alive

Have my family over here. watching football all day. got a Sproles jersey :] hahaha i lvoe my family all repping Chargers. haha go us. glad the Cardinals won... i'm for the underdogs. i hope the steelers lose. well yea my birthday has been okay. i'll update again at the end of the day

so today i had christmas with my family who were in hawaii. we ate pizza, chilled and watched the Chargers game. craziest thing ever... me, dad and uncle were yelling at the telly all night. Rivers was being a douche hahaha but Sproles saved the game... so amazingggg.


then my little cousins decided to put on a show for us with their new guitars... my bro helped.

cutest thing ever.



they are adorable... the end.

i haven't been like truly happy in a while. and now i feel happy. and i'm not sure why. maybe it's because a certain someone really isn't in my life anymore... he was just dragging me down. and my true friends have made my life so great. and this weekend didn't hurt my mood either. i hope i stay happy like this... it's a good feeling. thanks to all my friends... i reallly do appreciate you all even if i don't always say it. you mean the world to me

well last night was super fun. we got there kinda early so we walked up and down hollywood blvd. then we went back around 9 and met these two girls who were also waiting to go in. so e talked and stuff then more people started getting there then there was a crazy homeless man talking about Jesus, Keanu Reeves and Tupac... crazy.
so when we get in it was kinda boring at first... like a bit akward. but then it started getting a little better as time progressed. started dancing and stuff. the dancing was fun. Nathaniel was going crazy on the dance floor. it was great. it was awesome because i got to see Hunter's band which i have been wanting to for a while now. he was amazing. and i randomly saw Jared Leto there and we made eye contact haha. then i was on the dance floor with the girls i met and Nathaniel started dancing with one of them... then all of us. then a little bit later he came up behind me and was dancing with me. it was fun i love to dance.
it was a really fun night and i wish it didn't end... i wanted to just dance dance dance all night hahaha.

me and the bro






nerdiness runs in the family

has been amazing.
friday night The Maine concert.
it was so much fun and all the bands were awesome.
met everyone after the show.
took lots of pics.

saturday was okay..
went christmas shopping.

but tonight should be awesome...
buzznet holiday party in hollywood with The Maine.
im so excited i wanna dance dance dance!