buhnahnuh

so im not really sure how to feel right now. my brother is going to have to be hospitalized. and it really worries me. for the past year he has been deteriorating and its really sad. and on top of his depression he became and alcoholic. its hard seeing your brother go through something like this. and he really cant be in our home environment anymore so after hes out of the hospital he is going to be living with my mom. and i know thats whats best for him even though he doesnt want to leave me alone here with our dad. but i just worry a lot. i dont want him to hurt himself. and i hope this will help him. its just a really hard time in our lives right now. and i dont know how this is going to affect my schooling. its gunna be hard to pay attention with this worry in the back of my mind everyday. i just want everything to be okay.

and also today i found out stuff about my dad from when him and my mom were married. its really messed up. he used to beat on her when she was pregnant with me. and the old church pastor got so mad at him when my mom told him. but when  they started going to church at the barn in san bernardino the pastor blamed my mom for my dad hurting her. finding this stuff out made me really sad. i had no idea this stuff went on. and though i never got physically abused by him the emotional abuse is obviously there. its no wonder my brother wants to get out of here. as do i but im stuck because i am not at a point in my life where i can support myself and my mom isnt able to support me going to college. but im glad at least one of us gets out of here. i can handle a lot more than my brother can. id rather take all the sh*t my dads gives so my brother can get himself better. one day itll be my turn to get out of here. but until then i just want my brother to get the help he needs.

okay well im done with my rant. this is just the only place i can go and open up without any of my family seeing what i write. and since only one person on here knows me in real life im fine with people on here reading this. even if no one does i just needed to open up and let things out.